[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
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*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*