@PaperWash New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
@dafloydsta [spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
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@PaperWash 
@sween Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
@sbellelauren i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
@mommajessiec 6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
@2tickytacky “It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
@ToxicProbably A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
@MegsHAUSTED HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
@zachary_lampley Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
@Megatronic13 Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
@LurkAtHomeMom Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE