Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*