Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Thoughts
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
“I’m helping” 😅
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.