Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
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Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Still my favourite meme.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!