*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
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I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?