*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
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[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.