*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
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Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
There’s always that one guy