*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
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WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!