Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
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[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.