Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
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Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Only Americans understand
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,