Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

You Might Also Like


“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]



Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.


I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together


If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.


I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.


Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.


Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already


It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.


Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.


I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.