Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Bill is short for Billiam
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!