@mollymcnearney

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

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@aka_fatman

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

@TheBoydP

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

@DreamsSarcastic

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

@Ruby_Stevens

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

@Michabean

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

@PhilipJFried

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

@TheAlexNevil

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

@junejuly12

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

@JennSlowpez

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.