@aka_fatman “…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
@mollymcnearney Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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@aka_fatman 
@TheBoydP Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
@DreamsSarcastic I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
@JennyJohnsonHi5 If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
@Ruby_Stevens I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
@Michabean Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
@PhilipJFried Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
@TheAlexNevil It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
@junejuly12 Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
@JennSlowpez I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.