Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
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you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
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Morningbreath
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I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen