Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.