Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
You Might Also Like
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done