Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
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I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality