Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
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Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister