Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
You Might Also Like
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
work smarter, not harder
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?