Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
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Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious