Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
A drum solo but on your face.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields