Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
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Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night