@Tmoney68

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

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@The_Mentalyst

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

@whatsJo

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

@Reverend_Scott

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

@patnspankme

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

@tastefactory

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

@LizHackett

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

@Parentpains

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

@sixfootcandy

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

@amydillon

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.