Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
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they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.