Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
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Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.