Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
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Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
No. He’s not coming out to play
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.