Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
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I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
me hooking up with my ex
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*