Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Rude much 😂😂😂
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
cats when you pet them too long:
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
