spicy snake
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Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
☺️
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?