Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
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[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
This did not end as expected.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
This could’ve been an email.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
…u ok Nintendo?
I’m too immature for adultery.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair