Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
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I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
What is going on? 😅
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
become ungovernable
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
It was worth a shot 😂
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job