Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
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The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
File under excellent bookstore names.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Need this in my life lol
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time