Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.