@SLNerf_Herder

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

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@bonehugsnirony

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

@LuvPug

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

@topaz_kell

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

@nekolot

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

@IamEnidColeslaw

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

@blade_funner

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

@cupofdrink

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

@milifeasdad

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

@SortaBad

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth