*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

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Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.


I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say


Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.


The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm


drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?


Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.


gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”


Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.


I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth