*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
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Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
every college guy’s fridge
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.