spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
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Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO