[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
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I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Don’t talk down to me
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.