Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
mom gave me mine for free
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to