Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

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If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.


#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me


I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?


hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious


ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that


To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.


Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now


I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.


A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.


me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what