Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.


Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!


DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple


“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.


me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs


Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.


[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack


Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.