Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
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I beg your pardon?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.