@

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

@ABurgerADay

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

@sbellelauren

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

@Midgetspar

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

@AcceptableLoses

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

@UnFitz

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

@nsturden

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

@TheNardvark

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.