Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

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If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.


Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.


Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.


whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work


I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.


Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.


People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.


Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?


It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.