If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what