Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
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H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”