[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.


Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.


“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone


Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.


hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u


Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.


Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.


I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.


Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.