[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
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Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.