@malt_skull

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

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@Shariv67

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

@CeCePleasants

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

@TheBoydP

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

@Hormonella

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

@jonnysun

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

@xxsomebunnyxx

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

@stewnami

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

@kelkulus

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

@MomofTeen

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.