[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
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Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
#merica
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook