[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*