Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
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*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot