@noog

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

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@randomlawless

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

@UnIxphysco

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

@carlyken

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

@CornOnTheGoblin

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

@Marlebean

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

@Beatonm5

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

@SashMoon83

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

@iamfacciabella

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

@_callumknight

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today