Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help

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My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.


Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed


I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.


♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫


I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…


perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower


Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.


Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.


y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today