Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
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Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Terribly Tuesday.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”