Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
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Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.