Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
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Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Twitter fine art
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.