[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
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LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
FRED: right
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
There is no “we” in chocolate.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]