Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
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Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”