[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
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“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.