Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
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*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
when nothing goes right… go left
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly