Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
i wish i could marry a nap
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.