SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
You Might Also Like
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit